My Autism Manifesto
By Howie Leang
I’m in my mid-40s, and I have lived my whole life never quite feeling like I fit in. Very early on I noticed large disparities between my inner experience and the behaviors I observed in those around me. The worst thing about feeling so different was the lingering cloud of isolation and loneliness that seemed to pervade every aspect of my life. Even though I knew I had friends and family who cared about me, I still couldn’t shake that numb feeling of underlying disconnection. It actually caused me to live in a constant state of anxiety—a deep fear of reliving the all-too-familiar triggers of being misunderstood and excluded for being different. As a result, I became an over-achiever and a people-pleaser who cautiously conformed with social norms and familial expectations, even when it went against my grain. I also learned how to mask my true nature around others in order to stand out less. Needless to say, I lost track of my authentic voice at a very young age.
It wasn’t until recently (early 2022) that I realized I may be mildly on the autistic spectrum. You might think that diagnosing oneself with a “mental disorder” would be a negative thing. On the contrary, that singular revelation brought me a wave of relief because it explained so much of the cognitive dissonance I’ve lived with my entire life. And now that I understand my differences are part of a condition that is largely beyond my control, I can be more free to live a life of authenticity. But I’m still a work in progress.
What Causes Autism?
Shortly after my self-diagnosis, I began to explore what made me so different from the neurotypical population. In my research, I found the Intense World Theory to be the most accurate and comprehensive representation of my own experiences on the higher-functioning end of the autistic spectrum. While I can’t speak to the biochemical aspects of the theory, I can personally attest to heightened levels of sensitivity, perception, memory and fear as being the primary drivers of my proclivities toward social withdrawal.
The following diagram from the Intense World Theory does an excellent job of showing how hyper-functional brain circuits can elicit a wide spectrum of autistic traits and disorders.
Debunking the Social Impairment Myth
I must admit that I do fit the autistic stereotype of being socially awkward. I have a slight speech impediment where I sometimes experience difficulty organizing my thoughts and finding the rights words to express them. This issue gets exacerbated when I’m meeting new people in social settings, especially in groups, where the pace of the conversation exceeds my comfort level and becomes a form of pressure. It’s literally painful for me to engage in meaningless small talk where I feel constantly rushed to fill in awkward lulls in the conversation with ever-elusive words. I function best in calmer environments where there is enough space for me to engage in deliberate and thoughtful dialogue to create meaningful connections. Does this make me socially impaired?
Some recent studies actually support the idea that autistic individuals aren’t necessarily socially impaired. We only appear impaired to the neurotypical mainstream due to a disconnect between how neurotypical and autistic individuals communicate with those in the other group. But when communicating within neurotype groups, autism-to-autism communication was found to be EQUALLY as effective as neurotypical-to-neurotypical communication. Apparently we just have different styles of communication.
Autism: A Very Human Condition
All my life I have craved order, connection and harmony, simply because I found all the disorder, disconnection and disharmony in the world around me to be very disconcerting. Now I understand that it only feels so disconcerting because of my hyper-functional brain circuits. And I’m only mildly on the autistic spectrum. So I understand very well how neural overwhelm can potentially cause someone to want to shut down completely—when the costs of engaging with the outside world outweigh the benefits.
I’m actually grateful for my autism. It’s taught me an important fundamental truth about what it means to be human—that at our very core we all require certain levels of order, connection and harmony to thrive. This fundamental truth just happens to be more pronounced and obvious in the autistic experience.
Creating More Opportunities for Meaningful Connection
While it’s important to continue teaching social skills to autistic individuals so that they may better integrate with the neurotypical mainstream, I believe it is equally, if not more, important to form local tribes and gatherings for people of autism to regularly connect with EACH OTHER. Given the latest figures of autism prevalence is about 1 in 50 (only 2% of the population), there are limited opportunities for autistic individuals to find others who can truly understand their experience and satisfy their basic human need to form meaningful connections. A tragic consequence of this lack of connection is highlighted by a recent article that shows suicide in autism to be 6 times that of the general population.
With autistic children in particular, I believe it is crucial for us to help introduce positive imprints of successful social interactions early on in their development to try and interrupt the current trajectory of their hyper-functional brain circuits. This is where I intend to focus my first attempt at creating and/or supporting a local tribe. I have been preparing myself for this very task through an innovative training program called Kids Coaching Connection.
